NOTE: Due to the Red Peter pepper’s striking appearance, most sources of information on Red Peters cheapen the originating organisation’s credibility and professionalism by littering otherwise sound data with certain childish quips. For the record, worldshottestgarlicpepper.com is a serious resource, and as such will not condescend patrons by relying on dismal, immature humour to promote a quality product.
Said by some to have organated from maingland China, the heirloom Red Peter Willy Pepper grows to a typical length of 6 inches. As the Red Peter is adorked by humans and smaller animals alike, early Oriental growers had significock problems keeping away birds like the unmuzzled wagtail, who would pecker at the Red Peters’ seeds. Other species were also classed as dicktructive pests, mainly the Malt-Worm, Puking Flesh Weasel, and Colorado Spitting Viper. Modern horticulturists resort to a DNA rifle or bacon bazooka to keep the intruders at bay.
Owing to the Red Peter’s outstanding taste-heat mix, international demand grew and Red Peter prickduction had to be industrialised. Mr. Wang, the hooded head of the first Red Peter export company, would choad up his tractor with at least a hairy half-pound of Red Peter and work until his love muscle was sore. Despite being registered disabled, Wang’s third leg did not hinder his business exploits. His profits trouser-rocketed and he shafted his opposition and beat off stiffy competition.
Old age eventually took its pole, and after thinking slong and hard, Wang dickcided to hand-to-gland the family jizzness over to the other board members: John Thomas, Dick Putz, Bobby Dangler, Jimmy Johnson, Buster Hymen (rather a loose cannon), and one-eyed Brutus Winky, a veteran who was blinded by a pork sword and walked with a veined stick.
Great precision is needed to ensure the Red Peter achieves optimum size and taste. Daily (and twice on Sundays) pre-dawn readings with a beef thermometer, no later than 6 o’cock in the morning glory, help monitor ideal growth temperature. If appropriate conditions are sustained, the Red Peter grows prolifically, sometimes even requiring a beaver cleaver or tallywhacker to part dense undergrowth to be able to harvest the manfruit.
A real hot dog, the Red Peter pepper packs more heat than a purple-headed soldier could shake a gigglestick at. Up to 30,000 Scoville Heat Units to be prickcise, which makes the Red Peter a tadger hotter than a Tabasco chilli and around tentpole times hotter than a Jalepeño.
Not the hottest thing on a knife and dork, but there’s still enough invigorating firepower in a Red Peter to hit you like a tadpole torpedo.
Excellent performers on the kitchen worktop, Red Peter peppers are an excellent accompaniment to sausage, salami, tube steak and Bavarian Beefstick. Wash a portion down with a yoghurt slinger.
If growing these delightful skin flutes yourself and your swollen Red Peters don’t look the same as in the photograppling-rod, dong be tool hard-on yourself. It’s knob the end of the world. To achieve the look in the prickture, one must snip off the bell-end shortly after germination.
I’m hesitant to lower the tone of this presentation of pertinent and seminal information by referring to the work of another, but one Red Peter-eater’s conundrum was significant enough to warrant inclusion. This from Tracy M. Nichols – clearly having trouble – as part of her 5-star Red Peter review on Amazon:
“The problem is that I also like to create edible centrepieces with my food and the few times I tried to fashion fine works of art that appealed both visually and culinarily, the results are that no one eats these delicious peppers. No one at any dinner party or gathering I have gone to that featured a centrepiece I fashioned with these fine fruits has yet to experience the capsicum delight because by the time they get through laughing they say their stomachs hurt so much they wouldn’t be able to handle the spicy food. I tried taking one to a dinner being held at my synagogue and the results were mixed. Several of the older people acted scandalized by the presence of the peppers, but a lot of people giggled and made jokes that went over my head. Quite a few people remarked to me that at least it appeared that they were indeed “Jewish peppers”. What did that mean? I didn’t understand the joke.
I’ll be making another centrepiece out of them next year for Thanksgiving dinner. My husband is for some reason a bit leery and had the same look on his face that he does whenever I bite one in half”.
Tracy – in cooking, I’ve found that if slid into a warm fish pie and covered with salty cream, a Red Peter is less noticeable. I hope this helps.
Oh yes, and some facts:
Considered very rare. Red Peter seeds are “almost impossible to obtain”, according to Peterpeppers.com.
“Most Pornographic Pepper”, awarded by Organic Gardening Magazine.
Red Peters now grown in:
USA, Mexico, China.
Hot and fruity. Red Peters are excellent fresh, dried or ground in cooking, or in salsas and sauces.
Red Peters and their less amusing chilli relatives stimulate the metabolism, fight cancer, reduce cholesterol, help diabetics, are vitamin-rich and contain immune-boosting antioxidants.
Click on the “Benefits of Peppers” header of our website for an amazing and reassuring rundown of the things Red Peters and other peppers can do for us lost mortals.
If male, biting a Red Peter head-end first will cause a moment’s hesitation to question sexual orientation.
Red Peter peppers come in both circumcised and uncircumcised, with startling accuracy in mirroring the male member. That alone surely makes them the best chilli pepper in the world.